G-d stepping in

They say the lord works in mysterious ways, and I must admit he does. Remember the “Reverend” I mentioned in a previous post in which I said there was an inappropriate relationship, although long distance? Well, I started pulling closer towards G-d and he started pulling away, which was fine. Because like I said, he was married and because I was a sinner I could have cared less. Nonetheless, time moved on and although he has cut down his interaction with me, he still sends text messaging. Honestly, he probably found someone new to prey on and needed to free up his time.

Well, the other night, I mentioned it and he got defensive. Yet, still I could care less and at that point. I woke up early this morning, and there was a face of an attractive brown skinned woman in a vision, staring as if coming through his facebook profile or something which to me, was confirmation and he texted me, shortly after I woke up. So when I put that little flash of “discernment” in the conversation, that’s when he got defensive.

Nonetheless, I was actually trying to search for a way to take my attention off of him and placed an ad on a dating site. On that day, I stumbled across a photo of one of the most handsome black man, I have ever seen in my life. There was just something about his photo and I sent him a “sign of interests”. Now, my profile said, “Wanted: Tall , Dark, Bald COGIC Black American man” and in the description, I mentioned that although I am not active in the church at the time, it was important that the person of which I seek be of the same foundation, so that he’ll understand me and when I decide to return, I won’t have any issues.

Moving right along, he emailed me to say “Hello” which I was kind of shocked because he is such a handsome guy. We talked back and forth. Apparently, he thought I was somewhat of a knockout as well. Then I went over to his profile and his said, “Aspiring pastor seeking my first lady”…oh my, I thought, he’ll never go for me but there was something about him. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days and decide to pull the ad down because I was attracting creeps. I came back to it and sent him a note with my name and told him if he was interested to add me on facebook, because I really would like to get to know him. I didn’t think he was going to respond.

Ok, now I can go back to the “reverend”. When he started getting defensive, I mentioned something about “reverends being whorish and he once again, got defensive. Well, I said it to rattle his cage, but inside I did mean it, especially after reading the post mentioned previously in “the seedy underworld of the church.” He went on to talk about how women liked to chase preachers who had a lot of money, etc and right at that moment, I got a freind request from guess who, “the guy from the date site.” I was shocked.

I looked at his wall, and he had just posted a series of things about, “how when women pray for a mate, to be careful because the adversary may just send an imposter”, and another one was, “I love you enough to say goodbye because you’re not free”…Those aren’t the correct words but you get the picture.

The thought that popped in my mind, as soon as I got that request, was “G-d wants you away from this other one.” and guess what, I agree. I don’t know where this will go but I am hoping he is authentic and real.

Longing for the Past

I am sitting here checking out organists on youtube. Why? Because I used to play and one in particular made me wish I had never left. This bishop in he video below plays with the same fervency with which I played as a teenager. I don’t know, there was something about the B3 that just made me want to play all day.

I taught myself acually. I wanted to play so bad until I would pretend to be going to church to clean up, get the key and turn it on when no one else was around. unfortunately, I used to blow out the “leslie” and I have to lie and say that I never touched it of course. I got caught a few times. But when grandpa noticed a nice sound, he turned a blind eye and would allow me to play. Evenutally, I started playing every now and then when the main organist wasn’t around. I was never THAT good, but I could hold the fort down and it was all about heart.

This organist makes me wish I had never left.

Extremely Rebellious Preachers Kids

Aleister Crowley, Alice Cooper, Grace Jones, D’angelo, Larry Gatlin, Kci and Jojo, Do you see where I’m going with this? Whether or not it’s the dad or granddad, sometimes we pk’s go to the absolute extreme in rebellion. Although I’ve never touched drugs, alcohol or abused my body, I must say that my rebellion came in the form of reaching for the darkness. Voodoo, the occult, magic, mediumship, ouija boards, they all attracted me.

I am also inclined to believe that usually those of us who do go to such extremes, know about a higher calling on our lives and possess gifts that come without repentence. In other words, those of us who are “born under the veil” as the old people would say.

Other people don’t realize who bothersome those “spiritual gifts’ can be when they don’t have an outlet. If you’re reading this and aren’t a believer, you may as well move on because you won’t understand that of which I speak. When I say bothersome, I mean that energy is a natural force in nature and all things carry energy of some form that is neither able to be created by man or destroyed.

Spirits, pain, death, rage, happiness, etc all leave that imprint in the air. All people aren’t aware of it. But to those of us who are, “born under the veil”, we may feel it, see it or hear it,  no differently than we feel the extremes of heat, or a cold wind. Prayer, meditation and fasting tends to keep it in check but when that’s no longer available because we don’t wish to be reminded of that part of our lives when we rebel. Well, then it needs some outlet.

Rebellion from that which we were raised, causes other people to look at us in a negative light. They talk about us, criticize everything we do and ostracize. It makes you feel like an outcast and of course in our minds, we often feel like the devil incarnate because that is how people treat us. In most cases, the average PK may just get depressed but in other cases, we start feeling as if, “hey they already think I’m the devil, I might as well act like it. That’s when we start reaching for the extreme.

We know what’s right to do, but choose to do the opposite; sometimes it’s for attention, sometimes for shock value, other times because it’s an outlet. We usually have intentions to come back but sometimes we don’t make it back. Sometimes the power found in the dark, will suck you in so far until you become dependent on it. For without it, there is no one else there for you. Not even your family or G-d himself because you’ve alienated them. And unless you want to find yourself sinking into a psychological and spiritual abyss, you cling to that which is familiar.

Inspirational song of the day

There are always some songs that reach me more than others. Today, I woke up feeling so lonely and abandoned until it was saddening. I mentioned the guy that I have been talking to for the past 5 months. I met him during a time when the actions of my ex- nearly crushed me. He was there for me; calling me every day, sometimes 4 and five times a day. We would stay on video for hours and text all of the time. We had some very deep conversations. Then, one day, during a trip to the local Ihop, I heard him in the background talking about touching some waitresses bottom. Yeah, you heard me right, “father feelgood”, being a womanizer  while I was still on the phone.

I was like wow!  blatant with it, no?  Nonetheless, our time  “together” started diminishing and he acted as if he was pulling away. No problem, because he’s married anyway and he made it very clear that he was a “ho”. In fact, I was hoping that he would just stop altogether but being so isolated out here, I appreciate the conversation. Today, not so much.

After reading the story I mentioned in a previous post, I started feeling like, “ewww!” So when he texted me this morning, I didn’t really feel like talking to him. It’s as if he’s going through the motions anyway, so I sort of cut off the conversation and told him I had to clean the house. I think he got the picture because he didn’t respond.

This song is doing a great job of keeping me company. I have always loved Keith Staten’s voice and the melody is divine.

The Seedy Underworld of the “Chuch!”

I’m sorry but I have to write this post after stumbling across a blog  last night. Now, allow me to say that within recent months, I have really been trying to make it back to the church but between someone I met and some of my observations, it is  as difficult as hell.

I was raised COGIC. If you don’t know what it is, the only way I can describe it is by telling you, that being born COGIC is a lot like being born Jewish. It’s something that you never get away from, no matter how hard you try. It’s just deeply imbedded in your being. To make matters worse, my grandfather is a COGIC Bishop, so you can probably imagine how I think about things.

Yet, I think as “preachers kids”, we are shielded from a lot of reality while in the church. Sure we see the arguments, power struggles, and pettiness. But we still have this false sense of security that regardless of the small group of idiots encountered, most church folks are good people. This is how we think.

Also take into consideration that when I left the church, I was 19 years old and despite sporadic attendance in the early past, I left when the church was still “old school.” Unfortunately, I think the time in-between has rendered so much chang until this may not be the same place of departure and I’ll tell you why. Now, when I say this I don’t mean COGIC because these people aren’t COGIC. Yet when I look back on the past, I was surrounded by the “larger church” where there were good people of all races and denominations. When I was there, we cried about the Jimmy Swaggert/Jessica Hahn scandal because we were shocked. Whether COGIC, Assembly of God, Baptist, Word church, etc, we were all there in sincerity, or so I thought. So here is why I am baffled by that which I see.

I met a friend who shall remain nameless, and regardless of our age, I’ll say that he’s a nice kid but he has some issues. He’s a bishop who’s married with children but loves to have an abundance of female friends and has the mouth of a sailor. I have to say that it was a bit shocking but I understand the need for people to just be human beings, so I’m patient enough to listen.

However, I will say that the relationship crosses the line because there is/was a romantic interest, although he is not free and really has no intention of becoming free. Hey, I’m a sinner I don’t give a rats a—. and that’s how I went into the situation. In my mind, I’m doing what sinners do. Thank goodness, I am in another country and this is all online, because it’s all starting to change me. And although we are starting to pull apart, it is bringing out a lot of that “old school” church mother mentality,  in which I was raised.  I sit there and I listen to him talk,  and there have been some days in which I have felt like, “getting right” just so that I can go back and start cleaning some sh– up. Yes, I cursed because that is what I am seeing.

I’m sorry if my first post feels like a dissertation but I have a lot to say and last night really did it. I guess the lord must have felt the need to give me a little hint, here and there because somehow, I found this blog.  Now, I don’t think this woman is COGIC. She better not be. But, she is a reverend who happens to be HIV positive. She was diagnosed at the age of 23, so I assume this was before she went into the ministry. However, as much as I would like to be compassionate, it seems as if she’s still whoring around because in this post, she tells about hooking up with a couple of other reverends at conferences despite being HIV positive and not telling them until they are in a hotel room and “laying hands” on each other.

Man, this messed me up.  I applaud her for being honest and bringing the stuff out so that we know. However, it also makes me feel- and I hate to say this- as if the “church”  is suffering from moral bankruptcy. Where does that leave us who eventually would like to “get right with G-d” and return? What are we returning to? Why bother if the people are no better than us sinners?  Here’s the link:

http://www.thebody.com/content/66949/dating-the-right-reverend.html

I have to blog this life!

In a nutshell. I am a COGIC preachers kid, trying to find her way back to the church and hitting every stumbling block available. I don’t know if I’ll make it back but I’m being honest. Perhaps, some of you “preacha’s” and other folks could use the information and make some changes.