Inspirational song of the day

There are always some songs that reach me more than others. Today, I woke up feeling so lonely and abandoned until it was saddening. I mentioned the guy that I have been talking to for the past 5 months. I met him during a time when the actions of my ex- nearly crushed me. He was there for me; calling me every day, sometimes 4 and five times a day. We would stay on video for hours and text all of the time. We had some very deep conversations. Then, one day, during a trip to the local Ihop, I heard him in the background talking about touching some waitresses bottom. Yeah, you heard me right, “father feelgood”, being a womanizer  while I was still on the phone.

I was like wow!  blatant with it, no?  Nonetheless, our time  “together” started diminishing and he acted as if he was pulling away. No problem, because he’s married anyway and he made it very clear that he was a “ho”. In fact, I was hoping that he would just stop altogether but being so isolated out here, I appreciate the conversation. Today, not so much.

After reading the story I mentioned in a previous post, I started feeling like, “ewww!” So when he texted me this morning, I didn’t really feel like talking to him. It’s as if he’s going through the motions anyway, so I sort of cut off the conversation and told him I had to clean the house. I think he got the picture because he didn’t respond.

This song is doing a great job of keeping me company. I have always loved Keith Staten’s voice and the melody is divine.

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The Seedy Underworld of the “Chuch!”

I’m sorry but I have to write this post after stumbling across a blog  last night. Now, allow me to say that within recent months, I have really been trying to make it back to the church but between someone I met and some of my observations, it is  as difficult as hell.

I was raised COGIC. If you don’t know what it is, the only way I can describe it is by telling you, that being born COGIC is a lot like being born Jewish. It’s something that you never get away from, no matter how hard you try. It’s just deeply imbedded in your being. To make matters worse, my grandfather is a COGIC Bishop, so you can probably imagine how I think about things.

Yet, I think as “preachers kids”, we are shielded from a lot of reality while in the church. Sure we see the arguments, power struggles, and pettiness. But we still have this false sense of security that regardless of the small group of idiots encountered, most church folks are good people. This is how we think.

Also take into consideration that when I left the church, I was 19 years old and despite sporadic attendance in the early past, I left when the church was still “old school.” Unfortunately, I think the time in-between has rendered so much chang until this may not be the same place of departure and I’ll tell you why. Now, when I say this I don’t mean COGIC because these people aren’t COGIC. Yet when I look back on the past, I was surrounded by the “larger church” where there were good people of all races and denominations. When I was there, we cried about the Jimmy Swaggert/Jessica Hahn scandal because we were shocked. Whether COGIC, Assembly of God, Baptist, Word church, etc, we were all there in sincerity, or so I thought. So here is why I am baffled by that which I see.

I met a friend who shall remain nameless, and regardless of our age, I’ll say that he’s a nice kid but he has some issues. He’s a bishop who’s married with children but loves to have an abundance of female friends and has the mouth of a sailor. I have to say that it was a bit shocking but I understand the need for people to just be human beings, so I’m patient enough to listen.

However, I will say that the relationship crosses the line because there is/was a romantic interest, although he is not free and really has no intention of becoming free. Hey, I’m a sinner I don’t give a rats a—. and that’s how I went into the situation. In my mind, I’m doing what sinners do. Thank goodness, I am in another country and this is all online, because it’s all starting to change me. And although we are starting to pull apart, it is bringing out a lot of that “old school” church mother mentality,  in which I was raised.  I sit there and I listen to him talk,  and there have been some days in which I have felt like, “getting right” just so that I can go back and start cleaning some sh– up. Yes, I cursed because that is what I am seeing.

I’m sorry if my first post feels like a dissertation but I have a lot to say and last night really did it. I guess the lord must have felt the need to give me a little hint, here and there because somehow, I found this blog.  Now, I don’t think this woman is COGIC. She better not be. But, she is a reverend who happens to be HIV positive. She was diagnosed at the age of 23, so I assume this was before she went into the ministry. However, as much as I would like to be compassionate, it seems as if she’s still whoring around because in this post, she tells about hooking up with a couple of other reverends at conferences despite being HIV positive and not telling them until they are in a hotel room and “laying hands” on each other.

Man, this messed me up.  I applaud her for being honest and bringing the stuff out so that we know. However, it also makes me feel- and I hate to say this- as if the “church”  is suffering from moral bankruptcy. Where does that leave us who eventually would like to “get right with G-d” and return? What are we returning to? Why bother if the people are no better than us sinners?  Here’s the link:

http://www.thebody.com/content/66949/dating-the-right-reverend.html